Raw Round-Up 7th June
Another week, another episode of Raw... What in the living hell have I just watched. I would've rather watched Steven Hawking wrestle his wheelchair than this. God save us, let's go!
Hello ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages! It’s Josh P here back with another Raw review. Now, let’s address the elephant in the room, I’m still alive after last week’s shocker of an episode. The temptation to walk in front of a moving plane on a runway was unreal, however I resisted as I recently realized from a good friend, by watching Raw I was basically Jesus as I sacrificed myself to watch Raw so you don’t have to. Being compared to Jesus reminded me of Damien Sandow’s good old Money in the Bank run so I’m here! Barely… anyway, let’s go!
Raw kicked off with the huge tag team Battle Royale being set up. The rest of the teams were already in the ring and RK-Bro got their own entrance, so I think it’s fair to say we knew who the important ones were. The champs AJ Styles and Omos turned up before the match begun and gave some backhanded compliments to the teams. However, the highlight of this whole show was the RK-Bro merch, and if I don’t get that for Christmas, I can officially say my friends and family are all useless twats. The New Day took shots at the champs like XXXavier Woods takes shots on his gaming channel or porn website, take that as you will. Randy made him shut up like a kinky 15-year-old Christian Grey wannabe, before the Miz came out in a wheelchair, I could only assume he was doing his best Kyle impression, especially considering he didn’t do a wheelie. He was joined by Jo-Mo, who acted like security Steve as he stood by the Miz as he spoke. Miz said the tag team division was lacking and they were there to make things interesting, well at least one of them. Morrison’s face looked like he’d just walked in on his brother having sex only to discover he’s the one getting pegged. However, before the match, there is something that must be done. Riddle is in the match; you know what that means… welcome back to:
This week’s thought: Would Jesus Christ say ‘oh my god!’ or ‘oh my dad!’ well the last time I said oh my dad he left the supermarket immediately. It was the first time I’d seen him in 6 years, and the last I would see of him for 7 years and counting!
Anyway, the match got underway and to put it frankly it was pure chaos. It was like watching someone with a lisp attempt to say Mississippi! Lince Dorado was eliminated almost immediately before being quickly followed by Jo-Mo thanks to Mace and T-bar, I guess they set the T-Bar high for this match! When Morrison hit the floor, The Miz looked like he’d just sold his house to buy bitcoin and the day after he lost everything. The New Day took double choke slams from the former retribution members before they set their sights on Orton. Riddle went and sacrificed himself to save Orton and with his long hair, I think it’s fair to say he’s the barefooted Jesus. The Viking Raiders then faced off with Mace and T-Bar looking as awkward as me when I saw my ex-girlfriend next to my best mate… yeah that was a lovely encounter. As much of a bitch as she is, I still have more hatred towards Chad Gable, so watch your back Chad the Rad Lad. Moving swiftly on from speaking about animals, Riddle was next to be eliminated by the New Day, and at this point, I looked out my window to check it wasn’t a new day after how long this match had gone on. The Fridge Raiders then managed to eliminate XXXavier Woods as they had just discovered Paige voted him the best snack and not them. Erik and Ivar both took a beating from Orton, before Riddle returned to help his partner and took a trouble in paradise for him further proving he is the WWE Jesus, Riddle v Seth Rollins nailed to a cross match confirmed for Wrestlemania, the winner is the real Messiah. The Vikings managed to fight off the attack to eliminate both Kingston and lastly Orton to get the victory and become the new Number 1 contenders. This match was great and a good start to Raw, but it felt like it went on longer than a Boris Johnson announcement.
Backstage Bonanza P1
Backstage, Charlotte approached Deville and Pearce and wanted a match with Nikki Cross. Ripley showed up and wanted the same thing before Sonya suggested they team up and face Cross and a mystery partner of her choice. They looked like distant siblings who hated each other’s guts but had to work together to get a maccies during a family reunion.
The Viking Raiders had a run in with AJ Styles and Omos who had stolen their turkey leg. Yep you heard that right, I promise I’m not pulling your leg! The champs attempted to belittle their challengers but it didn’t seem to work, but Omos walked away with their turkey leg.
My ex-girlfriend is a bitch, I don’t Ryker!
Personal problems in reviews? Neverrr! Anyway Elias was back on Raw and Ryker was nowhere to be seen. Elias said it was his former partner’s fault they never won the title as he was ‘unhinged.’ If only Wrestling was scripted and they had no control over if they won or lost! Elias was still speaking when Ryker attacked him from behind and tossed his guitar out of the ring, before transitioning into a match.
The match begun and I refuse to waste your time. A bit of build, but a sudden break up then this match being a payoff… okay where’s the rope? Long story short Ryker pulled Elias’ beard, yeah I did just say that and retreated into the ring and got the count out victory. Are you taking the piss! This match fell more flat than some girl I used to date… definitely haven’t mentioned her at all before this! It doesn’t get much better after this so brace yourselves and get the acid bath prepared, you’ll need it.
416th Contract of the week after all of the ones stating to be quiet about the recent releases or else…
Contract signing next, how original. Based on how the rest of all these go, I think it was fair to assume the table wouldn’t make it out in one piece. Drew was already out but Lashley was nowhere to be seen as his music hit. McIntyre told a story about never giving up which seemed impossible after realizing I wasn’t even half way through the show. He was about to sign the contract before the MVP and big bad booty Bobby Lashley showed up on the titantron and told him to wait up before signing the contract until they were there.
When they arrived, they said the Champs conditions for the match were if Drew was to lose, he wouldn’t be able to fight for the title again while Lashley was champion. Pearce added the clause to the contract before both men signed it, while Lashley trash talked his opponent. Drew wanted a stipulation of his own, wanting no more games or shenanigans from Daddy Bob. He demanded their match take place in hell in a cell, which is not close to the hell I go through watching Raw every week. MVP and Lashley agreed and Drew literally threatened to murder Lashley before whipping out his sword and slicing the table in half. Just to confirm by sword I don’t mean his Bert under his skirt.
Nikki was backstage and revealed her partner was Asuka. Why? I have no idea just Asuka yourself!
Under the sea, Under the sea, Sheamus looked like a diver, that goes down on women for a fiver, before realising they were a minor!
It’s definitely safe to assume my talents would be better suited to a songwriter! World tour dates coming soon, unlike your wife. Humberto Carrillo was facing our Irish hero Rick O’Shea next. Ric immediately battered his opponent and let out all of the rage that had been building since he discovered Ireland weren’t in the Euros. Sheamus was ringside with his broken nose and I couldn’t help but laugh. I can’t do it justice so here’s a picture:
I’m surprised he didn’t come back as ‘dashing Sheamus!’ The match seemed like an afterthought at this point as I couldn’t stop laughing. And yet another fucking shit finish to ruin the laughter. Double count out. The Spanish fly off the apron was incredible, however the fact they were both up at the count of 6 was ridiculous as they basically stood there and waited. I refuse to speak without a lawyer present. Anyway, Moving on quicker than my ex…
Backstage Bonanza P2
Backstage, MVP praised Kofi and said he was his inspiration for his return. He stated he was disappointed to see him shake hands with Drew and he should ‘toughen up.’ Kofi got mad and said his friends and family gives him the support he needs to be in the ring.
Eva Marie promo next… yay. She is back and the ‘Evalution’ starts next week. I am so excited, so very thrilled. She will solve all problems in WWE. NOT. Get off my screen you red haired, cringe, plastic, talentless twat.
Mansoor was backstage and Ali gave him some more advice on dealing with opponents who didn’t fight fair and square. He warned him of all the tricks Gulak might pull in their match later. It feels like the Otis and my main rival Chad’s relationship is being copied and pasted here, however in a good way.
Did that match mean anything? Hardy!
Save my soul this was a tough episode. I would’ve rather taken another dicking from my Uncle Josh than have to watch this episode! Long story short Jeff Hardy hit the Swanton bomb after Cedric had been taunting all match to get the win. A rookie v veteran match that was worse than the one me and my Uncle have! There was more of this match spent taunting and chatting pure shit than actual wrestling.
WHY A WOMEN’S TAG MATCH SONYA!!! NO I REFUSE TO ASUKA WHY
Okay it’s time. I’ve held it back for too long now. WHY A WOMEN’S TAG MATCH ON EVERY SINGLE EPISODE!!! I DON’T CARE ABOUT NIKKI FUCKING CROSS AND WE ALL KNOW CHARLOTTE AND RHEA HATE EACH OTHER, SO STOP POINTING OUT THE BLATANTLY OBVIOUS AND USE THE TIME IN A USEFUL MANNER. And breathe. I had to get that out, and to accompany this, here are my thoughts about women’s tag team action in one meaningful image…
What a shocking match too, we all knew what was coming. Rhea and Charlotte were at each other’s throats all match like a recently wed freaky couple. Long story short to end the match, Ripley and Charlotte started brawling in the ring before Flair hit the natural selection and allowed Nikki to cover her and get the win. This finish was more obvious than the smell of GonnorRHEA on Vince.
Finished quicker than the ‘belt guy’ Paul in bed with his wife
Gulak was against debuting Mansoor next, and Gulak started strong and went for early rollups but he reversed them every time. Mansoor finally got some offense in but as Gulak went for the most devastating move in allllllllllllll of sports entertainment; the surprise roll up, Mansoor reversed it into his own most devastating move in alllllllllllllll of sports entertainment and held the tights for the quick victory. There was such little wrestling on this show I felt like I was watching Corrie!
Riddle me this, two Riddle segments in one Raw?
It finally happened, two matches involving Riddle in one show! You know what this means? Welcome back once again to:
Another thought for this week: I’m sorry and I apologize have the exact same meaning unless you’re at a funeral. That was my best one so far hands down. I’ll now hold for a minute’s applause. Thank you! Oh thank you! Oh shit yeah it’s a funeral... it’s probably for the death of Raw!
Backstage, Orton let Riddle speak for just a moment before taking back the key and throwing it in the trash. I guess when Keith Lemon said let’s go through the keyhole, Riddle interpreted it differently which is probably why that key is now in the bin.
And Raw instantly got ten times worse. Why I hear you ask? Well they were teasing breaking RK-Bro up already. The best thing on Raw, and if that’s going, I can’t bring myself to watch it anymore! Long story short Riddle hit Kofi with a draping DDT and went for an RKO afterwards but missed and got hit with the trouble in paradise to lose.
THE WORST SEGMENT OF RAW I’VE EVER SEEN
What have I just seen. What the actual fuck. Bliss was in the ring on her swings before Shayna joined her. Alexa said they could all be friends if Baszler apologised to Lilly, who let’s all remember is a doll. Inhumane. Shayna refused. Alexa suddenly got serious and asked Shayna to apologise once more before Shayna grabbed the doll and falsely apologised before tossing it to the side. Yes, this is actually what happened. I thought I was having a nightmare so I slapped myself and poured water over my head to make sure It was real. Unfortunately it was, and now I was wet and my cheek was red. Basically a normal night with my Uncle. She then stepped on the doll, and all the screens, pyros and lights started flicking as equipment started falling from the ceiling as if there was an earthquake. I could only assume Yokazuna had entered the building at this stage! Shayna ran into a room and locked it before she saw Lilly in the mirror. Fucking hell this is painful to even describe. It was only there in the reflection, an inhumane doll let me remind you! Shayna proceeded to smash the mirror but Lilly was still there as the lights went down, and Shayna screamed as Raw went off air. W…T…F. We all knew Raw was bad but I have no words. I am speechless. What… how… why… I give up with Raw.
That’s it… thank God. This was borderline worse than last week and the final segment was the worst thing I’ve ever seen on WWE programming, and I’ve seen a lot of shit. Wow. Just Wow. I have no words. That’s all from me. I can’t bring myself to say anymore. Thanks for reading, although I bet you regretted it after that abomination. If I decide not to turn myself into a human steak before the next episode, I’ll catch you on the next review!