Raw Round-Up 31st May
Another week, another Raw. This show was worse than seeing spoilers for the new series of a show on Netflix you've been waiting months for... to the bastards who ruined Lucifer for me, I WILL FIND YOU. Anyway, God save us on this one, let's go!
Hello ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages. It’s Josh P here back with yet another Raw review. It’s Monday, you know what that means… another episode of Raw more shocking than forgetting a condom and having to go in Raw! I think it’s fair to say Gordon Ramsay wouldn’t be best pleased. Three different meanings of one word in the first paragraph, you truly are blessed. Anyway enough genius wordplay, let’s go!
Beat the cock!
Miz TV kicked off Raw this week, and I think it’s fair to say the fact this opened the show didn’t give me much hope for what was to follow. Miz and Morrisons, who know how to make a mean jam doughnut by the way, were joined by Nikki Cross and Charlotte, because we all need Charlotte Flair…
They were soon joined by Rhea Ripley, who was immediately taken the piss out of by Flair for ‘losing’ to Nikki. Long story short, Cross wanted a title match against the winner of the two’s match at Hell in a Cell. Nikki bitch slapped Charlotte across the face making a red mark you’d only expect to see on someone after a few rounds with HHH. This angered Flair who said she’ll beat Cross in under a minute.
This match then quickly followed and I’m not going to waste your time like WWE wasted mine. The exact same finish from last week was copied and pasted here, and Cross won because the timer expired and Charlotte had lost track of time as if she was with Andrade. So basically, in back to back weeks Cross has had two matches and got barely any offence in, but managed to win them because she was getting battered so much her opponent forgot to pin her. I bet she’s thrilled to be back! I think it’s fair to say Charlotte was Cross she lost… yeah okay I’m going to move on like that never happened.
Orton and Riddle, they now have the fiddle, unfortunately the New Day were in the Middle, and got beat until they were a total cripple
Well, we all know my talents would be better suited to a songwriter! Backstage, Riddle was with Damian Priest, learning Spanish. Orton showed up and congratulated his partner on his win last week, and asked him to accompany him to the ring in his match later. Riddle looked so happy, it looked like he’d just got a new scooter for Christmas. Anyway, another Riddle segment, so you know what that means! Welcome back to:
This week’s thought: Technically, everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards. I mean, I’m not wrong!
The match between Orton and XXXavier woods then followed. This was potentially the only good thing in this week’s show, as the story telling and the match itself was pure gold. Randy looked for an RKO straight away, but Woods managed to hold on before being thrown out of the ring. Randy knocked him head first into the announcers table, before slamming him into it. Woods tried to rally a comeback with a few strikes and a dropkick, but Randy whipped out the Uno reverse card and started one of this own. Like the heel he is, Orton gouged his opponent’s eyes before hitting a second rope draping DDT. The Viper then proceeded to miss an RKO but hit the Bro Derick for the win. These two partners are stealing each other’s finishers like John Cena stealing storylines! It’s fine, no one could have ever saw him do it anyway! After the match, Riddle was elated and they celebrated together before Randy patted him on the back and the two walked off together like a proud father and son.
Reginald… Beat Shayna Baszler… REGINALD!
I don’t have any words for this pure shit. Does anyone else remember when Shayna held the NXT women’s title for 416 days and she looked unstoppable? Does anyone else remember when she came to the main roster and everyone was excited for her to destroy everyone in the division? Does anyone else remember when she was favorite to win the Royal Rumble and go on to win the Women’s title at Wrestlemania? This person, has just LOST to a hype man even Aldi would be embarrassed to sell and she is now a bigger joke than TNA. I refuse to say anything more about the match! I will say at least Reginald was allowed to hit some actual moves, and I’m sure there are many snowflakes who are more offended by that than Titus O Neill when he discovered his co-host for Mania was Hulk Hogan. Long story short, Reginald hits the most devastating move in allllllllllllllllllllll of sports entertainment; the surprise roll up. There is no chance in hell (shout out to Vince) WWE could ever book her as a monster again after that.
Drew McIntyre was backstage and reminded us of his victory against Brock Lesnar in the past and stated Kofi shouldn’t be much of a challenge.
A house party worse than one where the only thing to do is play scrabble with 25 elderly women and one that has no alcohol...
I was in physical pain at this point, contemplating whether to add a topping of poison on a domino’s pizza. Mace and T-Bar against Lucha House Party, a dream match we’ve all been asking for! Mace and T-Bar hit a double chokeslam and got the win which looked less convincing than Batista when he says he’s retiring. It has to be uphill from here… right?
Alexa Bliss then asked Reginald to be her guest for Lilly’s playground later.
Sheamus is such a dominant champ! Oh he lost, wait he lost again? Twice in five minutes?
The US champ was in the ring and stated he deserved consolation prizes for the people he’s beat already. He said he will face both Ricochet and Carrillo, but one at a time. He asked who will be brave enough to show up first and it was our Irish hero Ric O’ Shea.
This match then kicked off, Sheamus was sent to the outside after the initial brawl, and Ricochet missed the baseball slide before being sent into the barricade. Back in the ring, Ricochet took a top rope uppercut before Humberto’s music hit. Sheamus had Ric on his shoulders when the distraction hit, and this allowed Ricochet to reverse into the most devastating move in allllllllllllllllll of sports entertainment; the surprise roll up. Sheamus was furious as he prepared to take on his next opponent.
The match begun with Sheamus in full control, before Sheamus took a big elbow and started bleeding heavily. This looked like a clear broken nose, and could lead to him having to take some hefty time off, which summed the show up perfectly to be honest, a car crash. I think it’s fair to say that doesn’t give the Royal Family very fond memories! After a bit of back and forth, the match was clearly cut short as Ricochet dragged Sheamus by the foot, allowing Carrillo to get the pin for a very abrupt end. As much of a buffoon as the US champ looked for losing twice in a row, this isn’t as concerning as the injury he suffered.
Women’s tag team matches will officially be the death of me...
Women’s tag action now… yayyyyy! Sarcasm? What, me? Never! I love women’s tag matches. Why am I crying? Because I love them so very much?... Words can’t describe how much I wanted to stab myself in the eye with an umbrella as I found out Lana and Naomi would be taking on Mandy Rose and Dana Brooke. Basically, it was a very even contest, ended when Brooke and Rose hit a double neckbreaker. I guess you could call them Neck-romancers. This win means they get a title shot, everyone cares!
More rematches than a game of 2K with a friend who always blames a loss on lag...
I was so desperate to see something good on this Raw, I was excited to see a match I’ve already watched at least 14,869 times already. Shelton Benjamin and Cedric Alexander were then facing again, and although WWE used their trademark 50/50 booking that makes me want to hit myself with a remote control drone going 70 miles an hour and laugh when I start losing a lot of blood, the match itself was decent. Shelton hit a big boot right out of the gate but Cedric shrugged it off and no sold it like he’d just watched Jon Moxley at Double or Nothing and wanted to look like an Aldi version of him. Out of nowhere, Cedric hit the neutralizer after jabbing his thumb into his former partner’s eye and picked up the win in less time than it took Ric Flair to finish when he saw Mae Young. One of the only good match ups was given less time than an intergender match, women’s tag match and a men’s tag match you would be disappointed to see at a local company with a half a star review on Trivago.
Kofi was backstage and said Drew took a cheap shot by mentioning Lesnar. Kofi then came back with a dig of his own by stating he could beat big bad booty Bobby Lashley whereas the Scottish Psychopath could not.
Elias left quicker than my dad
AJ Styles and Omos were then squaring off against Ryker and Elias for the Raw tag team championships and I couldn’t help but think that there’s been more tag matches on this show than there is different ways to pronounce someone, he, she, them, it, oh I have no idea anymore. Ryker tagged himself in immediately only to be sent out of the ring by AJ who hit a huge dive on both challengers. AJ tagged in Omos and Ryker went to his partner, but Elias moved away and walked off and went backstage, leaving Ryker in a two on one situation. Ryker was disrespectful to the drifter earlier in the match and he wanted revenge. AJ hit the phenomenal forearm after a massive beating and picked up the win to successfully defend the titles.
Backstage Bonanza P1
Backstage, Reginald ran into Nia who told him to reconsider going on Alexa’s playground. Reggie said it would be okay and headed there.
Elias was then being interviewed and said Ryker’s priorities were ‘outta whack’ and he wanted to teach him a lesson which sounded like something that a dodgy elderly man with a lot of money would say to his girlfriend who's in her low twenties. Basically he doesn’t want to be around Ryker anymore so I’m assuming Jackson hasn’t had his Covid jab yet...
Alexa, turn off Raw
Alexa’s playground was next and after the introduction of Reginald, Shayna took him out making her look like even more of a twat, before she took his place on the swing and Lilly said she didn’t like her. She said Alexa was a problem for her and she’d deal with it next week, before calling Lilly a ‘stupid doll’ and walking off. How in the world can she lose to someone as ridiculous as Reggie then expect to face Alexa next week? Knowing WWE and their creative team, Shayna will probably win.
Backstage Bonanza P2
Mansoor was then backstage, who signed a contract and wrestled once before disappearing like that Portuguese girl whose name has been lost on me for months now! Almost as lost as her! He was with the Viking Raiders who have done less than Eva Marie after returning. They were teaching him about war cries, don’t ask because I have no idea, before Ali came up and told him not to trust anyone. If this is leading to an Ali and Mansoor tag team, sign me up.
And you do the Kofi Cokey and you turn around, and get claymored in the face!
If I haven’t got a record deal and a Grammy for best up and comer by the end of the year, the world is fixed! Drew had the upper hand early in the No 1 contenders match and knocked him around before the New Day member threw him to the outside and hit a big dive. Kofi was in trouble for the majority of the match, until he hit an SOS out of nowhere for a near fall. Kofi went for another big dive to the outside only to be caught and german suplexed over the barricade. Kofi tried for the SOS again but it failed, and Drew hit a spinning futureshock DDT that should’ve ended the match but only resulted in another close fall. Drew missed the suplex from the top rope but managed to toss Kofi off, I bet XXXavier woods was jealous! Kofi hit a trouble in paradise out of nothing and the pin was only broken up when McIntyre grabbed the bottom rope at the last second. Kofi then followed with a double foot stomp on the apron, which a reliable source has recently told me is the hardest part of the ring! He then followed by diving off the top rope only to be caught midair with one of the best claymore kicks I’ve ever seen, which took Kofi out for good and allowed the Scotsman to gain the victory, who is now set to face Lashley at Hell in the Cell. As amazing as this match was, I am not thrilled to see Drew v Lashley again and would’ve much preferred Kofi to take his place. However, with that being said, this was a great match and a good finish to what was one of the worst episodes of Raw, any WWE show or even any wrestling show I have ever seen.
Well well well, that’s that… THANK GOD! I never want to have to think about this abomination of a Raw ever again. Excluding the Orton and Riddle storyline and the main event, I have never seen anything worse. Usually I have longer conclusions but I have no words. Anyway, that’s all from me, thanks for reading and I’ll catch you on the next review.