Raw Round-Up 24th May
Another week, another episode of Raw. This show made me more depressed than when I couldn’t wipe my own arse because Aldi sold out of Loo Roll.
Raw Round-Up 24th May
Hello ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages. It’s Josh P here back with another Raw Review. After last weeks show, I was wondering whether we’d be treated to another quality show, or whether we’d see something that disappoints us like finding out Repo Man wasn’t actually returning. I must say I for one was excited for the legends return, and for a dream match between him and the hurricane! Anyway, let’s go!
Tea or Kofi?
Raw began with MVP and big bad booty Bobby Lashley in the ring. MVP stated there was a dark cloud hanging over the champ and that was Drew McIntyre, I for one must say I’m thrilled this feud is still continuing… or is it? Because it is the start of Raw and the Scottish Psychopath heard his name mentioned he strolled down to the ring. He was soon joined by Kofi Kingston who also wanted a title match after beating the champ like a 14 year old who’d just discovered porn. He also stated he never got a rematch against Brock Lesnar. Adam Pearce, the man who has more power than the Queen at this point, then made a number one contenders match between Kofi and Drew, which was to take place… right now! The match was to determine Lashley’s opponent for Hell in the Cell.
Kingston gets tossed off!
As soon as the bell rang, Mr McInthigher tossed Kofi around the ring easier than it is to catch an STD. McIntyre was in full control, and I think it’s fair to say we know who’s the dominant one in the Scotsman’s relationship. Momentum shifted when both men were on the top rope and Kofi hit a headbutt and followed up with a crossbody. Drew went for the Futureshock DDT which was reversed, but followed it with a spine buster and sit in powerbomb leading to a near fall. Kingston then hit a huge dive to the outside and took both McIntyre and Lashley out. Kofi hit an SOS which obviously stands for Shag Our Sisters when Lashley caused the DQ by attacking Kofi. XXXavier Woods tried to help his partner but MVP was the MVP as he evened the numbers and took him out. If this leads to another triple threat I’ll start to think the next Wrestlemania sponsor will be an app that sets up threesomes with hot singles in your area.
Cross your fingers and hope Nikki!
Can’t beat a bit of word play! Rhea Ripley and Charlotte had a tense exchange backstage before Nikki Cross decided to challenge them to a match. Charlotte said Cross wasn’t worth her time but Ripley accepted. I thought she was about to take a bigger loss than the parents of that Portuguese child that after all these weeks I still can’t remember the name of! However, God save us let’s go through the match.
The match was a beat the clock match so I could only assume Ripley was about to RIP her opponent a new arsehole, I’m hilarious I know! Here’s a live photo of Nikki cross after the match….
Ouch, poor Nikki! Anyway the match began and Cross was taking a bigger beating than Lio Rush would if he faced Brock Lesnar. She tried to rally a comeback after hitting a jawbreaker and crossbody from the top rope. But this was stopped quicker than a Sasha Banks title reign as Ripley regained full control. Ripley started unloading on her opponent in the corner, before realising the clock was about to hit zero. The clock was able to count all the way down before Rhea realised what was happening, and Cross got the win. Even though she won, she still looked like a bigger loser than R Truth when he grabbed the women’s money in the bank briefcase. I Still think they should’ve let him have it and took inspiration from the inbetweeners and made his character into a briefcase Wanker. Anyway the Raw women’s Champion effectively lost to someone who has been on TV less than my Nan, and speaking of my Nan, she could’ve probably put on a better fight than these two.
Backstage, Kofi and McIntyre were furious and Adam Pearce stated they would have exactly the same match next week with the same stipulation. At this point, I tried to find some concrete to fill my bath with, as it would’ve made more sense than having the exact same match that could’ve just happened this week.
The Q&A hero has returned! Asuka anything! Well after she’s done getting her ass kicked...
Charlotte began by taking it slow and cautious like she now does with Andrade... The Queen went for a kneebar using the ropes, before sending her opponent Knee first into the steel steps. She looked so hurt I thought the ref might have to Asuka If she wanted to stop the match. Okay I’ll stop again now! Asuka was struggling to walk for the rest of the match like she’d just took a 12 inch dick moments before. The knee was the focus for the rest of the match, as Asuka tried to gather momentum, only to be stopped short every time from a shot to the knee, typical WWE booking. Charlotte managed to hit a back breaker from the second rope before missing a moonsault from the top rope, which was further away than Andrade is from her now. Asuka managed to lock in the Asuka lock, only for it to be reversed into a pin, handing the ‘Queen’ the victory.
Backstage, Lashley and MVP met with Adam Pearce, who stated if they interfered next week, the champ would be suspended for 90 days. It seemed a bit harsh considering Charlotte was only banned for a week after literally assaulting an official. These punishments make less sense than if that Portuguese child turned up on Raw, and again I can’t remember the name!
The emotionally Hurt Business
Alexander got on the mic before his scheduled match with former partner Shelton Benjamin, and blamed his former partner for getting kicked out of the Hurt Business. He stated he was in his prime while Benjamin was washed up. Cedric stated he’d end his opponents career before the match even begun, and I don’t know about you but I’m starting to think we need better security. There’s only one man for the job!
He’ll have to avoid the Fiend though, we all know about their heated rivalry.
The match was underway and Benjamin unloaded as soon as the match began. I have to admit, if this feud was given more time and thought, it could really shine. But it’s given less time than a women’s title feud that doesn’t involve Charlotte. Cedric managed to gain control after a knee strike that seemed to hit so hard that if you look towards the sky, you might see Benjamin’s head still flying. This was closely followed by a hurricanrana from the top rope. After Shelton hit a spine buster, Alexander almost stole the win with a roll up, but his opponent kicked out just in time. Benjamin hit a roundhouse kick that would’ve made Connor McGregor cream his pants, and followed with two German suplexes Lesnar would get hard over. As he went for the third, Cedric poked him in the eye and hit the neutraliser for the win. Cesaro should file a trademark quicker than WWE does when anybody of significance leaves the company.
XXXavier Woods wrestles with his step-bro Riddle
The greatest porn title of all time, Xavier take notes! This match was a good technical bout that would make Adz’s pants sticky for days. Riddle gained the first takedown and held a waist lock as Woods desperately tried to escape. He was then pinned back down to the mat which must’ve given The new day member PTSD from his sessions with Paige on a Thursday evening. But, you know what time it is, as after all, it is a Riddle match. Welcome back to high thoughts with Josh! This weeks thought: when you clean the vacuum, do you become the vacuum cleaner?
Somebody explain that one to me! The match was very back and forth before Woods hit a huge suplex on the apron that almost broke Riddle’s back, and I recently did some research and discovered that that’s the hardest part of the ring! I promise I wasn’t trying to make this match sound this Rated R! Woods dodged the floating bro, and was about to go for the finish, before out of nowhere Riddle hit the RKO and got the victory. This was the first part of the show that I got a kick out of and the first match I had a reaction to. This RK-Bro tag team remains the highlight of Raw, and the story telling is incredible on WWE’s part. Now, everyone thinks Randy is going to turn on Riddle, but wouldn’t it be interesting for Riddle to be the one to turn on his partner? Hopefully this doesn’t happen anytime soon however as I love this partnership, but Vince will probably break them up quicker than Nikki Bella and John Cena after being engaged.
Ryker, he thinks he is a biker, but he’s such a shite striker, he might as well become a hiker
As I’ve previously mentioned, you are lucky to have a reviewer who can also write songs! I’m starting to think I should make an album every year with all the songs in these review subtitles and make a list on this website! Stay tuned for that! Get the music reference? Tuned? No? Okay I’ll stop! Nothing much to mention here, This match was more boring than scrabble with the eldest in the family who thinks it’s more entertaining than watching Raw, which I can’t lie it probably is but even then that isn’t hard. AJ was dominating Ryker in this singles bout before Elias got on the apron and hit a knee, and Ryker used the distraction to hit the Blackhole slam to pin the champ. What world are we living in? Jackson Ryker, just beat AJ Styles. Jesus Christ. Moving swiftly on.
It’s a shameful thing, Lobster head!
If you didn’t think they were the lyrics for a solid few years you’re lying to yourself! Sheamus was then facing Humberto Carrillo again after his unfortunate injury a few weeks prior. A quick match that finished quicker than Corey Graves in bed with Carmella, but an entertaining one! Sheamus was in control, until Carrillo dropkicked him out the ring and hit a suicide dive. Back in the ring, Carrillo tried to get the pin, but Sheamus reversed this into a roll up and held the tights for the cheap win.
After the match, Sheamus tried to lock in the cloverleaf, but Our Irish hero Ric O'Shea came to Carrillo’s aid and hit a moonsault followed by a springboard 450.
Quick side note, I’m heartbroken! I can’t use Backstage Bonanza this week. Can you all join me in a ten bell salute. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Thank you all, let’s move on.
No one’s meaner… than Vince for making me watch a women’s Tag Main event
Okay main event? I think this was done specifically to trigger me. We all know my opinion on women’s tag team matches. I can’t lie I wanted to kiss a train going at full speed and deny medical treatment after being hit. I think this is now the 87,987th time I’ve seen Natalya and Tamina, who I’ve heard there’s no one meaner, face off against Shayna And Nia, or as we now call them, Jaxuler. It has officially taken the crown for most rematches off of Damian Priest and Miz and Morrison. But was it that bad? Actually no. Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t a great match and it definitely wasn’t main event worthy, but for a women’s tag bout, it was decent. Hahahahahhahahah joking.
Natalya tagged herself in immediately and the Queen of Hearts hit some big moves before being forced on the back foot. Reginald showed up at ringside and Shayna was furious as he was told to stay backstage, this distraction allowed Natalya to hit a German suplex and both women got the tag. Tamina, who there’s nobody meaner than by the way, immediately hit a superkick on Jax before the former champion isolated her in their corner and started using their bad guy status to their advantage. Tamina hit a powerslam on Baszler before she and Jax took their beef to the outside. Jax then tossed her over the barricade and back in the ring, Natalya was about to get pinned but Reginald distracted at the wrong time. Shayna was furious and ordered him to go backstage, but he was sent flying by pyro. Okay. Right. Pyro, going off, in the middle of a match, somebody needs to be fired. Poor old Reginald almost lost his head as if he’d just been circumcised, and the distraction allowed Natalya to hit the most devastating move in allllllllllll of sports entertainment; the surprise roll up. The match was okay, but the ending summed up my opinion of the women’s division perfectly… pure shit! Before the show went off Raw, Shayna swore at Reginald and challenged him to a match next week…. God save us. He has now had more singles women’s matches this year than: Nikki Cross, Mandy Rose, BAYLEY!!!!! And even Mae Young! Well that ones unsurprising, she’s probably giving birth to a hand! Honestly Raw couldn’t have ended anymore of a joke. If this was in the middle of the card it would’ve been acceptable but the main event? I’d rather have seen Gary Barlow face off against Tom Ellis.
Well that brings us to the end of Raw, and it’s fair to say it’s back to its old pile of pure garbage! Charlotte gets another title shot, and she’s probably had more of them than her dad has had mistresses! A women’s tag rematch we’ve seen a trillion times in the main event, which I’d rather have ate my own ear than watch! And a DQ finish in a match that could’ve stole the show, only to be told the exact same thing will happen next week. Jesus Christ, I need to go to sleep. That’s all from me, thanks for reading, and I’ll catch you on the next review!