Raw Round-Up 14th June

Another week, another episode of Raw. I'm starting to think I will become the greatest reader in the world, because I'm about to jump off so many stories!

Raw Round-Up 14th June

Hello ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages. It’s Josh P here back with another Raw review. Well, it’s that time of the week again, and let’s be honest, all hope for a good Raw has now been lost. I go into the show prepared to be as disappointed as my mum when she found out I was still into wrestling at 16 years old. This is the week; the time is upon us. Eva Marie’s return… God save us! Let’s go!

Alexa, what’s the strongest rope available and how soon can it be delivered?

Okay, I promise that I try and be as positive as I can in these reviews and try my best to point out good things about the show. But the opening of Raw was worse than Nia Jax’s care towards her opponents. Speaking of Nia, she eventually showed up after Alexa had recapped that absolutely abysmal ending to last week’s show, and I think it’s fair to say I definitely didn’t need to be reminded of that. I still can’t believe it actually happened and I doubt I will ever mentally recover and be the same again. Moving swiftly on… Nia explained Baszler is out of action this week after, well we know what happened, and if not, feel blessed. She then explained Shayna challenges Bliss to a match at Hell in a Cell, which physically cannot be worse than what we’ve already seen… surely! Nia then said to stop messing with her friends before Alexa quickly pointed out they were never friends. This feud is officially more shocking than Jack when he discovered Jill wasn’t totally who she said: Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill’s candy. But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jill’s real name is Randy. Bliss started crying like me when I see anyone involved in this feud on my screen, but she soon started laughing, and I could only assume she saw my rival Chad the rad lad’s message saying he is going to beat me. Don’t worry Alexa, I don’t blame you for laughing! The match between Shayna and Alexa was made official…

If there is a Hell in a Cell live stream on the Real Rasslin YouTube channel, all I’m saying is be prepared for when that match comes on. I wonder how long it will take Bodybag Master James to deliver me his finest bodybag...

I’m so Cross! This match had zero Flair!!! 

No. Please not again. The start to this show is as tragic as Vince McMahon’s hairline. Nikki Cross was then facing Charlotte (yes again!) and the finish was worse than the finish Paul B’s wife gets on a Monday after he’s had a long day at work. I refuse to waste your time. Countout. Yes, THAT bad. Wow, I see less clean finishes than I see my own dad, and by now we all know how little that is! Nikki has still not won a match properly and she’s had about five since her return. Moving on, very, and I mean very, fast.

Hardy got more screen time than Lana Rhoades

Backstage, Riddle approached Hardy and asked how he could get Orton to forgive him after last week. Jeff said he should listen to Randy as he is a veteran then walked out, and I must say that is very randy advice. I’m not up with the American slang I apologise. Orton arrived and told his partner to be himself and not try to be like Orton.

Morrison was facing Jeff next, and I was then hit with another moment of pure ridiculousness that affected me for the rest of the show. In Hardy’s entrance, JoMo attacked his opponent with a ‘drip stick’ which sounds like some new sex toy he’d just brought in Ann Summers for his wife. Jeff shook it off as the bell rang, taking Morrison to the corner for a body splash. But immediately Cedric Alexander’s music hit and he came out to watch on the ramp, causing the distraction almost long enough for Morrison to get the surprise victory but Jeff kicked out. Morrison hung Hardy up in the ropes with a TKO which he then followed with a starship pain for the win. I think I was in more pain from this though.

Cedric got on the mic after and apologised for not ending Hardy’s career last week. Jeff then challenged him to a match, and stated if he lost he’d retire. I don’t know if he meant retire and go off the face of the earth or just do a Batista and return soon after, but either way it caught me off guard, which was decent booking on their part so fair play.

The match went shorter than XXXavier Woods in bed however, as he hit Hardy with a Michinoku driver for the near fall. Alexander then tried to hit the Swanton Bomb but Hardy rolled out the way. Hardy eventually spiked Cedric with a twist of fate like he was at Glastonbury and he saw a fit girl had left her drink unattended. He followed with a Swanton Bomb for the win, meaning he didn’t have to retire. I think he had less chance of losing this match than North Macedonia have of winning the Euros.

The red haired, cringe, plastic talentless Barbie doll returns

Okay here we go. Eva Marie was scheduled to face Naomi in a match before she made her entrance accompanied by NXT UK superstar Piper Niven. This was a very welcome surprise in a segment I had less hope for than Ryback has hope for finding a company that wants him. Piper attacked Naomi with a headbutt and tossed her around before getting the three count. Yes, you heard me right. Even the ring announcer was confused and didn’t announce a winner before Red haired Barbie Eva took to the mic and announced herself winner. W…T…F. Firstly, why’s the Ref not called for a DQ, and secondly why did he count three considering she wasn’t even in the match. He looked more clueless than Riddle after he’s smoked an extra strong joint. Wow, just wow.

Quick side note, even after just under two years since his death, I respect the fact Piper still wears an armband remembering the late Lionheart. After watching him many times myself and being a huge fan of him at my local company, seeing this tribute on a stage like Raw really warms my heart. A bright light in a very shit segment. Respect to Piper for continuing to honour his legacy.

Backstage Bonanza P1

Backstage, Mandy Rose and Dana Brooke got into a brawl with Natalya and Tamina, who somebody mentioned the other day that nobody is meaner. If I have to watch this match at Hell in a Cell, I will not be able to ever recover. Especially with the fact every other match thus far is a match I’ve seen 83,926 times or Alexa v Shayna… Hell in a Cell is for sure a fitting name for a card that shit.

Long story short, Drew said he is confident about beating big bad booty Bobby Lashley at Hell in a Cell. Good for him! Glad he’s got some confidence about anything to do with that horror show.

It’s a new day yes it is!  And we lost again… great

As much as I love RK-Bro’s push and story, I cannot bear to watch this match again, I think it’s the same every week and it’s starting to make me enjoy RK-Bro a lot less than I did as they never have any new opponents. I don’t think I’ve seen the New Day win a match as a tag team since they dropped the titles. Anyway, after that small rant there’s something must more important that must be done, after all it is another Riddle match! Welcome back to:

This week’s thought: If you ever take a shit in church, is it considered a holy shit? The WWE universe would be all over that chant if Seth Rollins ever did that!

Not much different to mention compared to previous weeks, the match went very similar with a very back and forth contest. Let’s just skip to the end, Randy hit the RKO to get the pin over XXXavier woods. That’s about it. Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s the mat XXXavier wanted to be slammed on after seeing Paige before the match. 

Are you Ready for Asuka? Oh, she lost already

Nowadays, Asuka is getting jobbed out more than Cedric and Shelton after they left the Hurt Business. She was then facing Rhea and it’s fair to say she got ripped apart. Why is she getting jobbed out so much? I don’t know, maybe you should Asuka! The match began and Ripley had the early advantage and hit a huge dropkick before sending her opponent onto the top rope. She missed the chance at a suplex, allowing Asuka to hit a missile dropkick. She then hit a northern lights suplex which proved to be her only offence before Rhea hit the Riptide for the win. Charlotte wasted no time after, attacking the champ. A bunch of useless officials tried to separate them but they were as effective as a broken condom.

MVP and Lashley were backstage and said Drew would regret going back for the title. Great, nice one! Oh wait, no one gives a flying flump.

Alexa, order the bodybag… NOW!

I give up. At this point I’d rather willingly go in to a random girl raw without a condom after being told there’s a 99% chance she’d get pregnant than have to watch Raw. Alexa then had a match against Nia Jax and I was tempted to juggle sharp knifes naked in a bath of acid while the room was filled with petrol and twenty lit matches were thrown as a loaded gun was held to my head and a ticking bomb taped to my back along with landmines all over the bath. Yes, THAT bad. The match started with Alexa jumping on Nia’s back and riding her like Stephanie rides HHH as he gets off to the latest NXT Takeover. Alexa then hit the twisted DDT which was broken up by Reginald causing the DQ. After the match, Alexa seemed to possess Reg. Yes, I said possessed. Yes, that’s what actually happened. No, unfortunately I’m not lying. Does anyone else remember when everyone was excited at Alexa pairing with the Fiend and she was the next big thing? Well that’s now more of a distant memory than Madeliene McCann...

MVP was backstage and told Kofi that XXXavier Woods was holding him back. Knowing that kinky lad, probably using handcuffs. Kofi threatened him and told him to move on before reminding him the New Day don’t even have a match at Hell in a Cell.

Take his hand, take his whole life too, For Elias can’t help, losing to Ryker every week

We all know my talents would be better suited to a songwriter! I’m starting to think Elias has a better chance at getting a Grammy for his music than winning a match in WWE. He was facing Ryker again because feuds are forbidden to only have one match, and he lost quicker than WWE could release another superstar. The match went outside and Elias decided he couldn’t be bothered so he walked backstage allowing the referee to count him out. There have been less clean finishes in this show than Vince has clean bed sheets.

Zero Styles points for the WWE creative team

The one good match, and WWE found a way to ruin it, thanks for that! They genuinely have a talent for pissing me off. Bobby Lashley came out to watch with MVP and more ladies than there are in Vince’s office on a Friday. AJ got some good offence in early before Drew came back and hit a futureshock DDT, only for AJ to be pulled out of the ring by Lashley and Omos. The Viking Raiders then came out to even out the numbers. Lashley decided he was bored after a while so got in the ring and attacked Drew leading into yet another DQ. Seriously?!?!?!? Why??? That’s at least 5 matches that haven’t had a clean finish. Wow, I have no words.

The Viking Raiders then took out Lashley transitioning into a six-man tag match.

Lashley and Omos immediately established Drew as the threat and took him to the outside and threw him into the barricade, leaving him out of the match for a while. Omos tagged in and dominated the Viking Raiders, making them look more like pantomime Vikings you would expect to see at a holiday park for kids. Lashley tried to lock in the hurt lock before Drew came back and hit some huge kicks. The heels remained in control however before Drew was tagged in, who hit the Claymore on the WWE Champion and got the pinfall over Lashley.

What a shocking episode. That’s three weeks in a row that Raw has made me reconsider ever liking WWE in the first place. At this point I’d rather watch Impact, so if you get some reviews for that instead of Raw one week, don’t be surprised. Only two matches out of the about 10 on this show had clean finishes, and I’m not asking for my water to be turned into vodka here or my dick to double in size, I just want some clean finishes. I could rant about this show for years, but I doubt you want to be here until the Christmas of 2034. At this rate, we’ll still be in lockdown anyway so it’s not like it matters! Anyway, that’s all from me, thanks for reading and if I don’t decide to fly to Mars just to escape WWE television, I’ll catch you on the next review!