JP’s WWE Experience 14th-18th March
JP is here to run you through what happened in WWE this week! Remember guys, Hard work pays off, Dreams come true, Bad times don’t last, But bad guys do!
Hello ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages! It’s JP here back to run you through the events of all this week’s happenings in WWE and as many people are convinced… CODY RHODES IS RETURNING!!!!! OMG!!!!!!! That definitely happened, as you’ll find out in due course (love a bit of sarcasm!). Without rambling any longer, let’s get stuck in shall we?
WWE Raw 14th March
The American Nightmare… WWE Creative!!!
This opening to Raw baffled me slightly. I'm not going to lie. Before we get on with the start of Raw however, this episode was dedicated to the memory of Scott Hall, who unfortunately passed away just moments before Raw. There were many personal tributes throughout the show, including a truly beautiful video package for Hall later in the show, which was enough to bring anybody to tears. To see our own special tribute to Scott, please check out Hev’s ‘The Heavy Tribute: Scott Hall the bad guy & outsider,’ it’s truly a brilliant read and honours his legacy perfectly, definitely worth a read. Also, read Adz’s WTRTG (Were They Really That Good) article on Scott Hall as that’s another way we highlighted his influence. Let’s crack on with Raw guys but always remember:
To kick off Raw, we had a silence of anticipation before the music hit and you’ll never believe who it was…
For those who thought Cody would debut in Jacksonville of all places, you may need to seek a place in a psychiatric ward, not mentioning any names Simon…
We got a ‘Hey yo!’ to kick off Owens’ promo and it was a perfect way to kick off Raw. He stated he was excited to finally have his dream match against Stone Cold at Wrestlemania, who previously accepted KO’s challenge. Owens said despite not liking beer, he would break open a Canadian cold one after beating the texan rattlesnake himself. He then proceeded to hit a stunner on a cameraman, because why not I guess, before leaving the ring.
Despite not immediately following this segment, I thought I’d include a segment that happened slightly later in the show in this section as we have some other things we need to highlight. Backstage, Seth Rollins was still silent about his Wrestlemania plans before being approached by KO. After Owens tried encouraging Seth to get a Wrestlemania match, The Visionary stated he had a plan before heading to the ring.
Another silence of anticipation and who made his way to the ring? That’s right ladies and gentlemen, it actually happened, he’s back on WWE!!! It’s…
Seth was followed by Owens, and Rollins stated he had the idea of holding a talk show at the grandest stage of them all and that Stone Cold would be his guest. KO objected and stated that was his idea and what he was doing at Wrestlemania. DaddyDeville herself, Sonya Deville, made her way to the ring after some bickering between the two friends. She announced the two would have a match in the main event to see who got that place at Wrestlemania. Why? This made zero sense! Just because one guy said he was jealous of Owens’ role at the showcase of immortals, that place is in jeopardy. WWE booking everyone!
Your NEW US Champion… just lost his first match as champion, logic!
What is the point? I’ll answer that briefly, there isn’t one! However this whole segment was saved when you see who made the biggest return in wrestling history, trust me guys this is massive! It was…
Okay, I’m done with that joke now, Cody was about as likely to turn up as my dad is and let’s face it, that isn’t happening guys! Spoiler alert, he wasn’t here. What a shock!
Anyway, Damien Priest was facing the new US champion Finn Balor in a non-title match, after only just winning the title, surely he can’t lose in this match, right? He has to be put over to make him look strong, right? Ahhhhhh WWE creative everybody, put your hands together for them! No, I don’t mean clap, pray they get their shit together someday so we’re not doomed to this crap for the rest of eternity!
Austin Theory joined commentary because he clearly fits in this storyline perfectly despite never having any real interaction with either superstar. Logic again at its finest, we’re being treated! Maybe he just wanted to see a priest slap some meat of someone of age for once, it is a rare sight so good on him for taking it in!
The match began and Finn had the early control but after sending Priest to the outside, he got dropped on Aiden the apron, which I’ve been informed by a man with serious inside knowledge on WWE is the hardest part of the goddamn ring! That’s information some would say is truly Gold! Damien hit the Razor’s edge on Andy the announce table, which was again a nice nod to Hall, before he had a chokeslam reversed back in the ring.
Balor hit a double foot stomp before preparing for the finish, he took his opponent out before Austin Theory used some of his MP to get on the apron and cast the distraction, allowing Damien to hit the Reckoning and get the win. This Austin Theory push is getting serious huh?
Will AJ Styles make it to The Other Side of Wrestlemania?
If you know what I’m referencing in the title, you’ll realise how genius the wordplay actually is. A standing ovation will be welcomed! For those who don’t know, Edge has a new theme tune for his new heel gimmick, which is called The Other Side by Alter Bridge, the band who made his previous theme. Now, his old song was iconic and synonymous with Edge, however, I love this song so much I’d go as far to say I actually prefer it to his previous one. It’s been on repeat since the episode ended.
Edge made his way to the ring with a suit so good Seth Rollins would even be proud. He immediately established his new heel persona and got the whole crowd booing, which highlights how damn good Edge actually is, as going from one of the biggest baby faces in the company to one of the biggest heels is an almost impossible transition but he has somehow managed it.
He stated he was the benchmark in WWE and when he returned as this lovable guy that was focused solely on pleasing the fans, he was weak. He then proceeded to say he doesn’t care about the fans anymore, typical turn promo lingo, and that he was only focused on beating AJ Styles.
Sounds like a great promo, right? It was… but what in the name of seventy flipping dwarfs were some of the phrases used in this promo. Here’s an example, something that was said word for word by the Rated-R superstar himself ‘perched upon my mountain of omnipotence.’
That brought us to the end of a nightmare of a Raw, and not an American Nightmare some were hoping for. This was one of the worst episodes to date and considering the only ‘highlights’ there were I practically ripped into, this wasn’t a great sign. The tributes to Scott Hall were the main thing to take out of this episode however, rest in peace to the bad guy himself.
Find a list of results below!
- Damian Priest def. Finn Balor
- Omos def. Commander Azeez
- Liv Morgan def. Queen Zelina
- Rey & Dominik Mysterio def. The Hurt Business
- Bianca Belair def. Doudrop
- Riddle vs. Montez Ford - DNF
- Kevin Owens def. Seth Rollins
WWE Smackdown 18th March
Murder on the Smackdown express… Via forklift?
Well this was an eventful start to Smackdown wasn’t it? Let’s start from the beginning (no shit sherlock where else would you start? The middle? The end? Bellend!). The universal champion, yours and my tribal chief, made his way to the ring, flanked by the Usos and Paul Heyman. After the usual acknowledge me bollocks, Reigns said he was looking forward to beating up Lesnar tonight. Heyman stated due to ‘weather issues,’ Lesnar was unable to make it tonight… well we knew that was going to be bullshit, didn’t we?
Roman stated it was because Lesnar was scared of him, before Heyman interrupted and with acting worthy of an oscar stated Lesnar was in the city and is making his way to the arena.
Reigns handed Heyman the title, before heading backstage with the Usos.
Reigns and his cousins got inside a conveniently placed SUV, before Farmer Bork dug deep inside his farming roots and turned up in a forklift and drove straight into the SUV. With the sharp ends, it’s official, Brock just tried to physically murder Roman and the Usos, that’s one way to eliminate the competition. Perfectly legal in the world of WWE programming too apparently.
Brock proceeded to casually rip a door off and make his way to the ring to cut a promo as if he hadn’t just attempted murder. The audience cheered this too and considering he just tried to end someone’s life, I don’t think this reaction was very appropriate! He basically just said he’d destroy Roman and end his Reigns (haha, love a bit of wordplay) in two weeks time at Wrestlemania before casually walking off and I’ll reiterate the fact casually considering as previously mentioned, THE MAN JUST TRIED KILLING SOMEONE!!!
We cut backstage to see Pat McAfee emerging from Vince McMahon’s office. Unsure of what had been discussed, Pat McAfee left us guessing and headed to the ring to say how much wrestling changed his life blah blah, the usual baby face shtick. He recalled Michael Cole’s offer to join the company before Austin Theory confronted him, this guy’s everywhere this week apparently! Pat stated he had to apologise to Theory or else he’d lose his mania match… I love this company sometimes. As One Republic previously sang, ‘it’s too late to apologise, it’s too lateeeeeeeeee!’ McAfee joked around and gave some back-handed compliments before Theory accepted this half-assed apology and walked off. What a pointless segment, ay?
The baddest woman on the planet lost to a product of Ric Flair’s sperm!
Charlotte was out to end the show, she stated she always has a plan and that last week was a teaser for what Ronda was to go through at Wrestlemania. Flair suggested Rousey didn’t have the passion to become champion before challenging her to a fight right then, and considering her nickname is the baddest woman on the planet, this didn’t sound very wise.
Ronda obliged and made her way to the ring while Flair retrieved a kendo stick and went at Rousey with it. Ronda took Flair down however, she went for an armbar before the latter rolled out the ring and dropped her challenger. After being sent into Randy the ringpost, Flair finally went to work with the kendo stick before powerbombing Ronda through the announce table to take us off air. Charlotte has been made to look like a weak champion as of late, so she needed something like this to make her seem like some sort of a threat.
That ended Smackdown this week and I've concluded I see Austin Theory more than I see WWE marks tweeting every Monday that Cody Rhodes would definitely appear on that episode. It was an average episode, the segments were good, the matches were purely shite, which seems to be a running theme throughout Smackdown. Find a full list of results below!
- Shinsuke Nakamura & Rick Boogs def. Los Lotharios
- The Viking Raiders & Drew McIntyre def. Jinder Mahal, Shanky & Happy Corbin
- Sasha Banks & Naomi vs. Liv Morgan & Rhea Ripley - DNF
- Ridge Holland def. Kofi Kingston
That brought us to the end of this week’s WWE television and considering we’re on the road to Wrestlemania and only a few weeks away to the company’s biggest event of the year, these episodes were still very lacklustre. For the first time in my life, I’m not that excited for Wrestlemania. There are obviously matches I’m looking forward to such as Edge v AJ etc. but other than that, I’m not ashamed to say I don’t care. However, we will all be saved by the god himself Cody Rhodes who’s DEFINITELY returning… Jesus, people drive me insane. Anyway that’s all from me, thanks for reading, I’ll catch you on the next review and remember: Hard work pays off, Dreams come true, Bad times don’t last, But bad guys do!