JP’s WWE experience 14th-18th February

JP is back to run you through the events of this week's WWE programming and through some of the things said, it's fair to say he wasn't impressed!

JP’s WWE experience 14th-18th February

Hello ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages! It’s JP here back to run you through another week of WWE television. This week includes the go home shows for Elimination Chamber which is set to take place in Saudi Arabia, and as of writing this, it has already been and gone, but you can check out the review of that coming very soon. Before we get going we must address something. 205 Live has unfortunately been cancelled and replaced with the announcement of NXT Level up which will most likely be included in Pixc’s weekly NXT reviews. Therefore, these reviews will go back to just including what happened on Raw and Smackdown as Main Event is practically the same every week and doesn’t need further coverage. So, after this long intro, let’s get cracking with what went down this week! 

Raw 14th January

Chamber Chaos! 

Raw began this week with the copy and paste beginning of every go home Raw for the Elimination Chamber PPV, sorry Premium Live Event, so you can probably already guess what happened in this segment! 

WWE champion Big bad booty Bobby Lashley and MVP kicked off Raw by saying the almighty would successfully defend his WWE title and go on to defend it at Wrestlemania where he belongs. As this is the start of Raw, we had to have an interruption which came in the form of Seth Rollins who came out to protest, who was then followed by Riddle. Riddle was fantastic here, looking like a rejected Princess Leia from Star Wars, see for yourself!

He was being his usual goofy self, stating Lashley should fight in a toga before MVP brilliantly responded by asking if that idea was “better or worse than pizza-flavoured yoghurt?’ Riddle rambled about being stuck in a gas station before claiming he would be the one to win the title at the Elimination Chamber. Next to make his way to the ring was… wait a minute, I feel like I’ve missed something but I can’t seem to put my finger on what it is which is probably a good thing considering some of the images I have in my head of Adz molesting Paul… Ahhhhh yes, I remember now, I welcome you all back to:

This week’s thought: The existence of virgin olive oil implies the existence of non-virgin olive oil, who is fucking these olives? It's a very valid question, when we find who it is that's using olives in this way I will personally thank them for introducing me to such a stimulating experience! 

Austin Theory was next out, and by this point you know what I meant in the introduction to the segment. He was banging on about all that Vince McMahon taught him, but if it truly was ‘all’ I have no idea how he doesn’t have a single sexual harrasment claim against him yet! Styles was next, it seems he drew the short straw being out this late as the poor guy had no clue what to say that hadn’t already been said, so he practically copied the typical ‘I’ll win the title and go on to Wrestlemania’, how original, thanks AJ! Lashley fired back to all of the comments mentioned, saying nobody could beat him, not even Brock Lesnar. Similar to Lord Voldermort, saying his name only brought the beast out.

Farmer Bork arrived, kinky if you ask me, and hung his coat and Jacket on theory like he was some Butler, and looking the way he does with the amount he licks Vince’s arse, it’s an easy mistake to make. Oh wait, I’ve just realised all participants of the Elimination Chamber are in the ring at the same time, nobody saw this coming! Theory decided to attack Lesnar from behind which Vince probably taught him, but unfortunately it doesn’t work as well on massive guys who have formerly fought in the UFC as it does on slim women. Brock gave him two german suplexes and an F5 for his troubles as the rest of the participants cleared the ring, allowing lesnar a beautiful selfie with Theory who didn’t look like he was moving, seems we’re teasing a Logan Paul return…

The first Priest to have some sense of Styles!

Damien Priest was defending his US title against AJ Styles next. AJ was caught in a submission early on, but he broke free, it seems he did what Queen wanted to but could never do! He only escaped to be met with a back breaker however, so it wasn’t an ideal start for the phenomenal one. He finally managed to hit back with a pele kick before sending Damien to the outside. 

Priest dodged the attack however and dropped AJ on Aiden the apron, which I know from intense research is the hardest part of that fricken ring! Please don’t sue me Seth Rollins… fingers crossed ay? Priest rolled him back into the ring, where he hit the most devastating move in alllllllllllllllllllllllllllll of sports entertainment, the surprise roll up to defend his title.

This potential this match had was unreal, especially considering their last match was decent so for the title I expected an even better fight. However, this match was cut so short and disappointing it could be mistaken for that pathetic thing between my legs!

HE’S HERE TO HAVE A GO AT ME FOR USING HIS TRADEMARK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh no… please Seth, I didn’t do it intentionally! Thank god! He’s just here to fight Randy Orton in the main event, few! Rollins was instantly thrown into the corner, he wasn’t there long before he got bored and unloaded on Randy, maybe he leaked the secret that Seth’s daughter is secrecy adopted. Seth caught the apex predator (with the recent things that have come out, it seems a name better fitted to Ric Flair but we won’t go into that right now) with a superkick on the apron which sent him crashing to the outside. Orton came back and sent his opponent into Andy the announce table, poor fella!

Rollins was in position to receive a draping DDT but he sent the viper to the outside once again and proceeded to hit a huge dive. A very back and forth contest as Orton once again immediately retaliated with a huge suplex for a near fall. Rollins missed the stomp before attempting a pedigree, a great call back to their previous feud prior to the Evolution stable, the stable to which this day remains a mystery I must say! This didn’t go well however, as Orton reversed and hit an RKO. Alpha Academy however ran out to stop the match before Riddle chased them away, this distraction was enough however as Rollins hit the stomp upon Orton’s return to the ring for the win. 

This was the end of Raw, and despite a nice build to some feuds, it was a pretty shocking episode in total, hence the reason for the appearance of so many jokes! Find a full list of results below! 

  • The Street Profits DEF The Dirty Dawgs
  • Damien Priest DEF AJ Styles to retain the United States Championship
  • Omos DEF Cedric Alexander & Shelton Benjamin
  • Bianca Belair DEF Rhea Ripley, Nikki A.S.H, Liv Morgan and Doudrop to win the Gauntlet Match
  • Alpha Academy DEF Rey & Dominik Mysterio 
  • Seth Rollins DEF Randy Orton

Smackdown 28th February 

Contract signing… F*** Off!!!!!!!

I don’t give a flying bourbon with a side of a homeless man’s urine about this segment. Contract signings are pointless anyway, but when there’s not even a title on the line, what is the point? The two teams were arguing before Deville and Flair added a stupid stipulation that would see Rousey have to fight with one arm tied behind her back. What is the point? Oh yeah, Smackdown women’s champion, the very best of the roster in theory, is made to look so weak that she has to add a stipulation where one of her challengers and likely Wrestlemania opponent would have to fight  with one arm, a great way to make Flair look strong WWE! 

Long story short, Rousey agreed because why wouldn’t you when someone suggests something? Hey Patricia, fancy jumping off the Empire State Building and landing on a bike with no seat? Of course Sally, anything for you! Totally pathetic booking from creative but who’s surprised? It’s WWE after all.

Basically, Rousey and Naomi flipped the table on their opponents, because the baddest woman on the planet needed help flipping a wooden table apparently, before walking out. Potentially the worst start to a Smackdown in the last few millennia.

THE CONSPIRACY HAS LIFTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, mark this day on your calendar, the 18th February 2022, the day the curse on Sami Zayn was lifted. He was set to take on Shinsuke Nakamura for the Intercontinental championship, and if you saw the spoilers earlier in the week you already knew exactly what was coming. 

Sami took control early, sending Nakamura into the corner, but he took too long to capitalise, which is a mistake you’d usually associate with a failed news company, no shots will be fired towards competitors because we don’t do that here, a few names come to mind however! He took a knee to the face, which was followed by a kick to the midsection on Aiden the apron which was followed briefly by a running knee. 

Zayn had a short spurt of momentum before once again losing the control to Shinsuke, sounds like a great porno if you ask me, XXXavier Woods take notes!

He got another series of big kicks in quick succession before hitting a reverse exploder suplex on the ropes. 

The tide turned completely in the match when Nakamura went for a big knee drop but Zayn rolled out of the way, this seemed to have caused damage to Nakamura’s knee, so as all great heels would, Zayn sensed the opportunity. He eventually hit a blue thunder bomb for a near fall and when Shinsuke tried to come back by unloading on Zayn, Sami casually rolled out of the ring. Sami Zayn ladies and gentlemen, a wrestling genius. 

Zayn used Ricky the ring post to continue inflicting damage on Nakamura’s knee. Due to the immense pain he was in, Nakamura made the mistake of turning his back on Zayn, who hit the most devastating move in allllllllllllllllllllllllll of sports entertainment, the surprise roll up to become your NEW Intercontinental champion! The god himself has single handedly fought the conspiracy against him and has got back what he deserved.

You’re next! No, You’re next! No You, No you, No you! I DON’T CARE

Goldberg, I genuinely beg you to retire ASAP. P-Nut, Real Rasslin Champ, be careful at For The Love Of Wrestling because he’ll bloody challenge you next! Fucking hell, go away Oldberg, please? 

Roman Reigns was out to close the show as usual, and as Paul Heyman was doing his usual introductions, Goldberg’s entrance music hit, which is almost a worse sound than the screams from my basement at night! Roman stated it was his ring and Iceberg should leave before handing him the mic, which isn’t a great tactic if you want someone to leave. Oh yeah, here let’s have a lovely conversation, want some tea and hobnobs while we’re here? 

Goldberg stated he had to apologise as Reigns was not next, on the topic of the Universal championship, he’s next…

I’m going to need someone from ancient Egypt to decipher this code, because all I was thinking as Smackdown went off air was WTF was he just on about?

Thank god that ended that shitfest of a show that’s worthy of the most tragic show of the year! I have no words, all I can say is thank god that Sami is back where he deserves. He’s one of my favourite heels in the business and I popped when he won… oh no wait, I DIDN’T BECAUSE IT WAS SPOILED THROUGH LEAKS BEFOREHAND. All round, this was a disaster! Find a full list of results below!

  • Ricochet DEF Sheamus
  • Ivar DEF Jey Uso via DQ
  • Sami Zayn DEF Shinsuke Nakamura to become new Intercontinental champion

Well, thank god that’s done. For a go home week, there was basically nothing good about the show besides Sami Zayn reclaiming the IC title, but even then that had been leaked so lacked any investment. The amount of jokes showed how I had to compensate for how bad the shows were, at least you get some good entertainment, because I certainly did not have any whilst watching these shows. God save us for the Elimination Chamber… oh wait it’s been, and if the go home show ever reflected how the PPV was going to be, this was certainly it! Anyway, that’s all from me, thanks for reading and I’ll catch you on next week’s review!