Fantasy Match Series: Bret Hart v Moose - Adz on a Pole match!
Bret Hart takes on Moose in a unique type of matchup, fighting for the ultimate prize - our very own Adz!
*Disclaimer* This is a parody piece, not designed to greatly offend or enrage.
Now, let it never be said that I don’t have any versatility in my writing. In the massive library of matches that I have contributed to Real Rasslin’, they have all been of the same mould. This article is intended to break such a mould, freeing me from the shackles of my own design and create something, shall we say, a bit different?
It is well established at this point amongst the Real Rasslin’ staff, just how much our beloved Adz is a fan of Bret Hart and, more importantly, of Moose. So, in honour of his deep affection for these characters, it is only fitting to pit them against each other in a unique type of match. It is also well established amongst the Real Rasslin’ staff, just how much Adz admires and respects the many different executors of the Sharpshooter submission hold. So, in honour of this admiration, it is only fitting to up the ante, and make the end result mutually beneficial for both our readers, and Adz himself.
Just to demonstrate that I am freeing myself from the shackles of previous articles, this match will not take place on a WWE PPV. Nor indeed will it occur in a WWE ring. It will take place in the only company that could conceivably book it. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the highly renowned Japanese DDT promotion. That company has a reputation for its outlandish concepts, such as the infamous Ironman Heavymetalweight Championship, which could be won by anyone and anything, including the belt itself. Make sense? Don’t hurt yourself overthinking it, at least not too much.
In keeping with this spirit of the ludicrous and the bizarre, the match between Bret Hart and Moose shall be one that has never been done before, and never will be done again. The match is an “Adz on a Pole” match. Suspended above a randomly selected ring post, shall be a platform built to house one man, Adz, who will have the best seat in the house for this clash for the ages. He will eagerly await his retrieval from either participant, and the first one to assist him down from the platform shall be declared the winner. Not only that, but to make the stakes higher, the winner gets the enviable task to train lucky Adz in the proper application of his cherished Sharpshooter hold.
A quick tale of the tape is required, as always, to set the scene and generate interest. I expect, no - demand, at least one hundred thousand views of this article. The reason being is that the outcome of this match is of vital importance to the entire wrestling world. Everyone must know, even the great Vince McMahon himself must come out from his dusty crypt of despair, and on one PC, read with baited breath, whilst releasing another dozen former indy wrestlers in the process by email on his second PC.
Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.
So, Bret Hart. The Hitman. The best there was, the best there is and the best there ever will be. What more can I say about him that hasn't already been said? And, if you’ve been with me from the beginning, and read my first match, Angle vs Hart, you’ll see my summary of his career and achievements. If you’ve not read it yet, where have you been? Living in a cave? Go on, read it. Shameless self promotion, I know, but I don’t care.
And then there’s Moose. Moosey Moosey Moose Moose. The man, the myth, the legend. Even just his mere name simultaneously inspires fear and envy, admiration and dread. What a guy. It is clear to see why Adz is a huge fan, as anyone who declares themself the TNA World Heavyweight Champion is rightly worthy of such adoration. But don’t take my word for it. Read what Adz had to say in an insightful, and elegant interview prior to the fateful match:
“Ayup. I’ve alwehs been a fan of t’ Hitman, me, but I dunno, there’s just summat a bit special about Moose. I mean, ‘ow can ye not like a guy whose name is ‘Moose’?!”
There was quite a stir when Kevin Nash decided that he was going to interject himself into the equation, proudly declaring that he was going to be the special guest enforcer in the match. Bret Hart protested, but ultimately his objections were ignored entirely owing to the fact the DDT promoter didn't speak a word of English. Nash, on the other hand, is fluent in 25 languages, has a black belt in origami, and holds the world record for quickest prepared, restaurant quality blowfish. In recognition of these tremendous bullet points on "Big Cheffy's" CV, the DDT promoter was left with no choice but to include him. He even went so far as to arrange for a custom built wheelchair just for Nash, in case his troublesome limbs betrayed him for the hundredth time.
Nash is a man of many talents...
The match itself was a back and forth encounter with many close calls. Bret Hart, in deference to Moose, made his signature entrance first. Already on his perch, Adz hoped to be the recipient of Hart's trademark sunglasses, and was subsequently disappointed when they were handed to Nigel Farage, who was on a goodwill mission to Japan. He had managed to bribe his way into getting front row seats with Jeremy Corbyn. Farage sportingly handed the glasses to Corbyn, who graciously accepted, putting them on and waving the Union Jack flags that Farage had brought especially for the show. Moose then made his entrance to a thunderous and emotional reception from the Japanese crowd. There was mass hysteria in the air as many women sobbed uncontrollably as Moose sauntered past them, and as the camera zoomed up to Adz, even he was seen to be shedding a few tears. Bret Hart looked visibly uncomfortable as Moose made his way to the ring, and promptly vacated it as soon as Moose jumped up onto the apron.
The referee had to coax Hart back into the ring, who did so as slowly as possible. Moose charged immediately, and the match began. Bret Hart was obviously unprepared for Moose's strategy, and it took him a while to mount any offence at all. Moose was wrestling catch-as-catch can, also displaying his incredible agility and mastery of the technical style. Hart was growing increasingly frustrated with the calibre of opponent in the ring with him, and thus was forced to resort to gamesmanship and foul play. Hart told Moose that his TNA World Heavyweight Championship reign was less enjoyable to watch than getting a back, sack and crack wax. This enraged Moose, whose eyes bulged out of his head, and went to the outside to grab a steel chair. Adz could be seen yelling words of encouragement to Moose, but they didn't have the desired effect. Kevin Nash was forced to intervene, snatching the chair out of Moose's hands and throwing him back in the ring.
Unhappy about this exchange, Nigel Farage threw his beer in Nash's face. Nash then decided to show the entire world why he has a blackbelt in origami. Dragging Farage over the crowd barrier, he folded poor Nigel ten times, then powerbombed him to the floor, where at that point, a chasm in the Earth's crust opened up, and the crushed and folded Farage made his journey to the centre of the Earth. It is rumoured that he has since unfolded himself and is teaching socialism to the below ground indigenous. Jeremy Corbyn roared with laughter at Farage's demise, but Nash took exception to this, and tried to powerbomb the former Labour leader. At this point however, the old curse struck. Both Nash's quads blew out, and he fell backwards, still holding Corbyn. Corbyn smacked his head on the corner of the ring steps, and it was clear to everyone that something was amiss. Even Hart and Moose stopped wrestling and looked on in disbelief, as Corbyn ripped off his damaged face mask to reveal the true entity behind the mask. It was a humanoid lizard-like creature, who grabbed the microphone, and declared the following:
"I am Xantax from the planet Zarthon. I have come to show the whole world the true meaning of pimpin'. Lizard pimpin' ain't easy, but in the presence of almighty Moose, we'll tear this mutha up!"
Motioning to the entranceway, the Japanese crowd cheered as several female Zarthonians strutted to the ring and started a dance off. Xantax led the cheerleading, and encouraged Hart and Moose to join in, who promptly linked arms and danced the cancan. Nash was writhing in agony at ringside, and during the dance off, the DDT promoter quietly wheeled him away from the ring, and took him to a hastily constructed marquee tent next to the titantron. There, he handed Nash a Tanto sword, explaining that Nash's failed quads have brought shame on his family, and insisted that Nash perform seppuku on himself. Shortly after, a single, pitiful scream could be heard by those in the crowd closest to the tent.
Meanwhile, the dance off continued, and on top of his platform, Adz was greatly enjoying himself, having a boogie and head spinning the night away. All of a sudden, the Zarthonians stopped dancing, and Xantax grabbed the microphone again, and shouted:
"You people have shown us that there is much work to be done. The only two that have shown themselves to be worthy of Lizard pimpin' ho downs are Adz and Moose. We shall take our leave. Schmargonrargle!"
And with those magic words, Xantax clapped his lizard hands together, and the whole alien contingent vanished from the arena in a flash of light. This allowed the match to continue, and Hart achieved the herculean feat of getting Moose on his back and applying the Sharpshooter. The crowd yelled encouragement at Moose, who screamed in pain from the hold. Inspired by the crowd, and by Adz in particular, Moose did the unthinkable. He reversed the hold, applying his own Sharpshooter, and then he yelled at Adz: "This is for you, Adz! This is the SharpMooser!"
After locking in the hold for several minutes, Bret Hart passed out from the pain, allowing Moose to climb the platform, and take a giddy Adz by the hand and escort him down into the ring. The referee rolled an unconscious Bret Hart out the ring, while Moose and Adz shared a warm embrace. It took a lot of persuading to get them to separate for a post match interview, with the DDT promoter, in his now suspiciously red stained shirt, holding a microphone up to Moose's face. Moose delivered a heartfelt promo in honour of his historic achievement.
"I did this for you, Adz! Now I get to train you! I'm more excited than when I first became the TNA World Heavyweight Champion!"
Adz shook his head in disbelief at his good fortune, and there were stars in his eyes as he also gave his post match comments:
"Ayup. I'm reyt excited about t' end result. I mean, now I get to be trehned 'ow to do the SharpMooser by Moose 'imself! I'm well 'appy with that, me. Afta seein' both men do t' move, it's well clear to me 'oo's version is t' betta one, and Moose wins, 'ands down."
Well, you heard it from the man himself. Moose's SharpMooser proved to be the difference maker in the match, so it is officially more effective than Bret Hart's. In honour of this landmark victory, and of Adz' deep affection for Moose, from now on, I demand that the Sharpshooter be permanently renamed the SharpMooser. Sorry Bret, you're good, but you're not quite Moose.
Adz' inevitable reaction to this piece #sorrynotsorry